Ok, this is the perfect timing for me to finally finish and post today. This is sort of a “part 2” to my 4 part series on the book The Freedom of Self-Forgetfulness by Tim Keller, and this one is about jealousssssy.
Thinking about going back to school lately has made me feel everything from pure excitement to anxious dread.
The night before flying to Korea, I had some timely conversations about the difficulty of a cyclothymic college lifestyle (a constant cycle of non-stop going until crashing) and how we have been hurt by the things others have said to us (hurt people, hurt people). (The way I describe this… I think my psych major is showing haha).
I think it was really helpful to discover that others were and are as vulnerable and impacted as I was, and we were able to think about the unique pressures at Wheaton College and how they could hinder our Christian walk, no longer providing a holistic balance to life as a student, but more of a credentials checklist or impressive resume. (the theme is we are stressed out, worrying about doing and doing). And when everyone is good at the same things, sometimes it’s hard to find joy in them at all. It’s hard to feel uniquely purposed and created, especially when we see others apparently “thriving”, or doing what we do, but better, or more easily, or given more attention for it.
But the next day on the plane to Korea, I read these words of Keller’s: “What if we compared ourselves less? What if genuinely found joy in other’s accomplishments as if they were our own?”
I’m awful at this often times. I can be such a jealous person. I think as someone who really values authenticity, fairness, and is more competitive than I care to admit, I get torn up or really down on myself when I see others get more attention or care for the same things I do or am into. I often doubt my worth, if I am liked or accepted by others, and I can find myself getting bitter towards others who receive the affirmations that I crave. I find myself wanting to question others motives or why they are so special compared to me and everyone else. And this makes me feel ugly inside. It releases the poison called jealousy. Pride. It’s a dangerous way to live, when we try to graft our self-worth off of the words we receive from others.
As I think of this, a metaphor comes to me—we want to snatch the blessings out of others laps. We are always hungry because we are so focused on stealing the scraps from others that we forget God has already laid out a table before each of us, and that it is the only thing that can satisfy our deep desire to be loved. We may know this about the value we should place on God’s words vs. words of man, but the lesson I am learning lately is the reminder that the food at the table is not only plentiful, it will not go away. And each of us have a seat, a place, and a plate. There is no need to take from others here. We need to embrace the abundance that God has laid before each of us, not worrying about the blessings given to the other.
As I thought about this ugliness that I can hold inside me, this vice of mine that you can likely relate to, I thought:
“But what if we also were truly self-forgetful? What if we weren’t so deeply affected by the things people said to us?”
I say “what if” because to me, this is a very difficult preposition, it’s not something that takes a simple mind switch, it’s a dramatic lifestyle change.
What if we went through life on an even keel, with a sturdy foundation of self that wasn’t as shaky as the unpredictability of day-to-day life?
Although I can apply this in many ways as someone with a performance arts background, I think I see this most clearly in the quiet isolation of training sessions as a powerlifter.
I am a very emotional lifter, not one who stomps around and makes noise, but one whose internal battle is the loudest during the lifts. I thought about how frustrated or discouraged I got when I would miss PR attempts (which started to happen when I used to never miss them) vs. when I would get them, and I wondered why I could react so differently, how it could often make or break my day. I realized it was because I let myself think anyone and everyone watching would dramatically change their perception of me and my strength/worth/whatever based on how I handled myself with the barbell.
But I always watched my lifting buddy pop back up and respond with energy and thoughtfulness whether or not she hit the PR and I realized she is not only way less self-monitoring than I am (sorry, another psych term), she is good at practicing self-forgetfulness. (After all, she is the one who bought me the book on Amazon on the spot on a bad day!)
I craved to make the switch, to not be so hard on myself, to not assume that just because people saw me, that I was being watched.
Let me say this because I know some of y’all need to hear it—we CAN’T assume everyone is always examining us, judging us.
Difficult things from past situations caused me to think that others were constantly critical of me, that the seemingly normal things I did were repulsive, and this is a scar I still bear, even as I walk around Wheaton.
It still cause me a lot of difficulty eating certain foods in public places when I’m alone or around certain people.
It causes me to forget how to walk sometimes because I’m so focused on how to do it.
It causes me to internalize every glance, every word, every action.
It causes me to feel unsafe in a lot of normal situations, it pushes me to “check” myself more than I care to admit, in a lot more ways than I mentioned.
But if we share experiences, we can all realize that everyone always thinking about themselves! If we all are, than we are all walking around insecure, jealous and afraid, prideful because we either have put too much value on ourselves, or not enough.
In counseling this year I had a realization that when I was self- critical and afraid of other’s judgements, that it was really an issue of pride.
I was not giving others the benefit of the doubt. I feared others because I already assumed how they would perceive me. I was doing to others what I’d most feared they’d do to me, and while I kept it inside me and didn’t let others know, it only hurt me. It made me feel “not good enough” to be with certain people, it made me look at myself as “lesser”.
Instead of being aggressive about my judgements of others, I would slink back, hide away, try and shrink myself down.
The harshest voice I heard came from within my head, but part of me was wise enough to know it was not for me.
It was myself giving in to the sin and power that Satan grabbed ahold of in my life, it gave the voices a vehicle to victimize and terrorize, to tear down others through myself and myself through my distorted re-invention of others.
There is a difference btwn being down, focusing on the self and being inspired by God’s truths and focusing on others. I could write and talk about this forever, because I have seen the dramatic change in my own life. We know that we are by nature bad and yet given a free gift of undeserved acceptance and grace, but we don’t let ourselves live with an unshakeable confidence and a completely honest acknowledgment of our sinfulness.
To love others, we cannot desperately chase after what is theirs, nor can we fear their judgements or place judgement on them. To be closer to people, we cannot isolate. To appreciate, we have to interact, connect, find joy. It isn’t easy, but it’s worth it because it’s how God made us to be—we need each other.
I recently heard a phrase that says “I wish you self-esteem so high that you are humble”, and I feel like I’m still trying to figure that out. But I think it’s getting at the heart of what Keller was trying to say. Confidence is not bad when it is constructed out of the unwavering belief that what God has for us is FOR US. We don’t need to compare or constantly edit ourselves for worth because we already have worth in our Creator Daddy who fashioned us just so, who never intended for us to be someone else, and who has a unique purpose and path for our lives to glorify Him. Realizing this can only produce the purest humility through the Holy Spirit opening our eyes.
I have felt that freedom before. I know it is possible.
What if we were living as people who truly believe they are redeemed and because of this, have no shame?
What if we decided to pray against any intentions, expectations, or preconceived notions so that we can protect ourselves against any lies that Satan wants to whisper to our fragile egos?
What if we saw that the fruits of this sort of discipline, of dying to self could cause us to find joy in each individual’s path and security in our own lives no matter the good or bad?
I challenge you to pray for God’s eyes, to see others and yourself the way He does.
Remember, what He has for you, is FOR YOU.
Relish in the fact that your Father loves you.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
1 Corinthians 13:4-5
The Best Is Yet To Come 